DISASTER FITNESS by Ann Sterzinger

Ann Sterzinger joins the Mjolnir blog this week to shamelessly plug her new book and beg for shekels. You might think that's terribly cheeky, but think of this: there are many out there in the Alt Right who beg for shekels and give nothing in return. Ann offers a shiny new book full of wholesome, wholegrain advice. Did I mention it was shiny? Shiny, shiny, shiny.... Ann will also be joining myself and the Erkenbrand team next month for a special podcast on H P Lovecraft. Right, over to Ann. (Ed.)

"Humility can actually be kind of a smug, dick move, but it’s fun." — From Ann Sterzinger’s book Disaster Fitness

So you think you’ll always be fat? Of course you will; you did have a miserable childhood full of wounds that will never heal, after all.

Have you ever had an inkling that those wounds could turn into a source of power? It’s a power I merely glimpsed for years.

“Of course I’m fat/drunk/lost! I had a rapey uncle and a dozen psycho exes! Leave me alone! I’ll start working out when my life improves!”

If this is you, shut the hell up and listen.

You can’t wait to get in shape till your life improves. You’ll be too dead first.

And your life is not going to improve till you get your mental and physical condition in check anyway.

And ANYONE can learn to love exercise… particularly if they have an addictive personality. Hello? Third beer of the morning? I’m talking to you.

Your past traumas are not a handicap, they are an advantage. You just have to figure out a way to get up off the couch and use them. Tough love is coming your way.

Whereas normal people can learn to love exercise, you can teach yourself to crave it. You can come to look forward to it so much that working out will never require you to strain your willpower again.

These days you’re drowning your sorrows with compulsive scotch-drinking on the couch. It takes an orgy of the will just to walk to the grocery store.

I promise that you can get from there to a place where you drown your sorrows in compulsive cardio and yoga, and it takes an orgy of the will to…

… Well, come to think of it, nothing really takes an orgy of the will anymore, and everything is easier.

Past traumas and the thirst for comfort and pleasure are what make you an addict. Those same traumas and desires —and, indeed, that desperate thirst for something that feels good—can work in your favor.

I know; I’ve been there. And I wrote Disaster Fitness: the Traumatized Child’s Hot Body Guide to help you climb out, too.

Don’t listen to Tumblr. You aren’t a victim. You aren’t crippled. You aren’t helpless. “Body Positivity” does not mean being OK with killing yourself.

Sedentary lifestyles ARE unhealthy. But your troubled mind? Not necessarily so. Trouble is normal. Humans were designed to get upset to push them to solve problems. If you’re depressed because of bad circumstances, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your brainham. That’s just a brain using its natural defenses. If you can get the wheels spinning in a different direction, you can use all the energy you spend freaking out and conquering hangovers on taking control of your life.

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. You’re a temporarily embarrassed porn star. But the only person who can launch you out of the hole is you. I can help you find the catapult that’s down there in the hole with you, though.

Note: For those who know me and are a bit confused by the cheery demeanor of this promo copy, the answer is: Yes, this whole thing is a bit of a parody of victim culture. I’m taking the piss…

...But also, this works. So it’s Schroedinger’s satire, I suppose. What you get personally is not decided till you open the box. But here’s a free sample:

To say that it’s taken a lifetime’s worth of motivation for me to stay in shape would be a foolish boast. Because long ago, I stumbled upon a way to take motivation out of the equation. And staying in shape thereby became easy for me. Until I started writing this stuff down, I didn’t even realize how I was doing this. Or even that I was doing this.

Before you start throwing rocks at me: It’s not easy for me because I have a magical metabolism. It’s not easy because I’m athletic, or mentally healthy (GAWD), or a woman of leisure, or any of the things that would fall outside of your own control. In fact, surprisingly, taking motivation out of the fitness equation is in fact a fix you can pick up in a book. It’s not going to be a quick fix, but taken day by day it is eminently do-able.

It doesn’t take willpower, because I love to exercise.

And I love to exercise because… well, quit reading the Kindle sample and buy the damn book.

Give me a few puny shekels and I’ll tell you how to turn it around:

Here ’tis on Amazon Kindle!

(There should be a paperback copy available by the time you read this or shortly after.)

And this book is probably going to get pirated, so go ahead and donate to my patreon to make up for it: https://www.patreon.com/asterzinger

OR donate to me via PayPal: annsterzinger@yahoo.com

And watch my newest Grumpy Book Review, in which I tell you what to read besides my stuff, while hopefully providing entertainment, even if it’s unintentional humor: